5 Things to Avoid Saying to Someone With an Incarcerated Loved One

Loving someone who is incarcerated is already an emotional and challenging experience, but what often makes it harder is the judgment, assumptions, and insensitive comments from people who don’t understand the reality of life with an incarcerated loved one. Even when intentions aren’t bad, certain phrases can feel dismissive, painful, or outright offensive.

If you want to support someone with an incarcerated loved one, words matter. Here are five things not to say—and what you can say instead.

1. “Why don’t you just move on?”

This comment assumes that having an incarcerated loved one means you should automatically cut ties and walk away. But relationships don’t work that way, and love doesn’t disappear because of prison walls.

💔 Why It’s Harmful:

It invalidates the deep bond and commitment they have to their loved one.
It implies that loyalty and love are mistakes just because of incarceration.
It oversimplifies a complex situation that involves emotions, family ties, and personal choice.

✅ What to Say Instead:

“That must be so hard. How are you holding up?”
“I admire your strength and commitment—what can I do to support you?”

2. “They must have done something to deserve it.”

Not everyone who is incarcerated is guilty. And even for those who are, not all sentences are fair, and not all people are beyond redemption. The U.S. justice system is far from perfect, and countless individuals are serving excessive sentences, were convicted under unfair laws, or have made mistakes they’re working to rebuild from.

💔 Why It’s Harmful:

It assumes the justice system is flawless—which it isn’t.
It places blame on families who are already struggling with the impact of incarceration.
It shames someone for loving and standing by their incarcerated loved one.

✅ What to Say Instead:

“I don’t know the full story, but I know how much you care about them.”
“That must be really tough for both of you—how are they holding up?”

3. “At least you don’t have to deal with them every day.”

Some people joke that being separated from a partner or family member in prison is “easier” because you don’t have to deal with everyday relationship struggles. But for those with incarcerated loved ones, the distance is painful, and every day apart feels like a battle.

💔 Why It’s Harmful:

It minimizes the grief, loneliness, and pain of being apart.
It ignores the emotional and financial burdens families of the incarcerated face.
It assumes prison removes problems, when in reality, it creates more challenges for relationships and families.

✅ What to Say Instead:

“I can’t imagine how hard that must be. Do you have a good support system?”
“That distance must be really painful—how do you keep your connection strong?”

4. “They’re in prison, so they have it easy.”

There’s a common misconception that prisons are like resorts where people get free meals, TV, and no responsibilities. In reality, prison is a dehumanizing and often dangerous environment where access to basic needs—like food, medical care, and safety—is not guaranteed.

💔 Why It’s Harmful:

It ignores the harsh realities of prison, including violence, poor healthcare, and mental health struggles.
It makes it seem like prison is an easy punishment when, in truth, it’s traumatic for both the incarcerated and their families.
It invalidates the suffering of both the incarcerated person and their loved ones.

✅ What to Say Instead:

“I know prison conditions can be really rough—how is your loved one holding up?”
“What’s something you wish more people understood about what they’re going through?”

5. “You’re wasting your time waiting for them.”

This statement assumes that standing by an incarcerated loved one is foolish or pointless. But love, loyalty, and commitment don’t stop because of prison bars. People with incarcerated loved ones don’t need judgment—they need support and encouragement.

💔 Why It’s Harmful:

It assumes that their love isn’t real or valid just because of incarceration.
It ignores the strength and resilience required to maintain a relationship under these circumstances.
It disrespects their personal choice to stand by someone they care about.

✅ What to Say Instead:

“You must be incredibly strong to go through this—I admire your loyalty.”
“I respect your dedication. What helps you stay positive in tough moments?”

💙 Final Thoughts: Choose Words That Support, Not Hurt

If you know someone with an incarcerated loved one, be mindful of what you say. Even well-meaning comments can be painful if they minimize, judge, or dismiss the experience.

Instead of questioning their choices or making assumptions, offer support, encouragement, and understanding.

💡 A simple shift in words can make all the difference.

📢 Have you ever been on the receiving end of these comments? What’s something you wish people would say instead? Drop your thoughts in the comments!