Maintaining a romantic relationship through the walls of a prison is an immense challenge. When one partner is incarcerated and the other is on the outside, the relationship must withstand years of separation, stress, and uncertainty. Research and lived experiences show that these long-distance prison relationships often fail – not due to a lack of love or commitment, but because of powerful structural pressures. At the same time, some couples do manage to beat the odds. This post explores why so many prison relationships fall apart and what helps a few survive, drawing on expert insights, data, and the experiences of those who have walked this difficult road.

The Odds (and Barriers) Are Stacked Against Prison Couples

Incarceration is one of the strongest predictors of breakup or divorce for couples. By some estimates, between a married man’s arrest and the end of his first year in prison, roughly 80% of marriages end – and for female inmates, the divorce rate approaches 100% (New York Times, 2005). Each additional year behind bars only increases the strain: every year of incarceration raises a couple’s risk of divorce by about one-third (Prison Fellowship, 2021). These stark numbers underscore that when a partner goes to prison, even previously strong relationships can crumble under the weight of external pressures.

Importantly, it’s not usually personal failings that drive these breakups. Couples separated by prison often remain deeply in love and want to stay together. But the structure of prison life – the distance, the rules, the financial costs, the emotional toll – creates an environment where normal relationship maintenance becomes nearly impossible. As a policy brief from family researchers notes, physical separation and restrictive prison policies “disrupt the normal development of intimacy and commitment,” often causing emotional withdrawal and instability in the relationship (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). The partner on the outside is typically left to shoulder tremendous burdens alone. They may face social stigma, loss of income, single parenting, uncertainty about the future, fear for their loved one’s safety, legal expenses, and profound loneliness (Prison Fellowship, 2021). Meanwhile the incarcerated partner is coping with the dehumanizing prison environment and the shame and stress that come with it. In short, the deck is overwhelmingly stacked against these relationships.

Common Structural Challenges That Break Couples Apart

Below are some of the most common failure points for prison relationships – factors that stem from the circumstances of incarceration rather than a lack of effort or love by the individuals. These structural challenges make it incredibly hard to keep a romantic bond healthy over years of prison separation:

• Communication Barriers: Meaningful communication becomes a constant struggle. Prison rules limit contact to short phone calls, monitored letters, and occasional visits. Phone calls are expensive (often costing families several dollars for a few minutes), and many prisons profit from those fees (Prison Policy Initiative, 2018). Letters are slow and sometimes heavily censored or even scanned into low-quality copies. There is no ability to text, email freely, or video chat in most cases. All of this means couples can’t talk as often or as freely as they need. Everyday conversations – sharing little joys or troubles, talking the way couples normally do – are severely curtailed. Misunderstandings easily arise when you’re limited to 15-minute calls or one-page letters. Over time, the lack of consistent, private communication erodes the emotional intimacy that relationships depend on. Research finds that physical separation and the high cost and stress of limited communication can lead to partners feeling emotionally withdrawn (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). Simply put, love struggles to survive in silence.
• Limited Visitation and No Physical Intimacy: Most couples separated by incarceration rarely get to see each other in person. Prisons are often located hundreds of miles from the family home, making travel expensive and difficult (Prison Policy Initiative, 2022). Even when distance isn’t an issue, visitation days are infrequent and tightly regulated. Loved ones might drive hours only to be turned away for a minor paperwork issue or because the visiting room hit capacity. When visits do happen, they are usually short and supervised. Physical contact is very limited – typically just a brief hug or kiss at the start and end of the visit. Private moments are nonexistent. Conjugal visits (private overnight visits for intimate time) are extremely rare, allowed in only a handful of U.S. states(Scalawag Magazine, 2022). For the vast majority of prison couples, years go by with no sexual intimacy or even simple closeness like holding hands for more than a minute. This enforced celibacy and distance can be deeply frustrating and painful. Humans need touch and physical affection; without it, partners can feel a growing distance or find it hard to maintain fidelity and emotional connection. As one incarcerated person put it, “Not being able to physically express love…builds frustration that boils over in unintended ways.” The lack of in-person contact is a crushing structural hurdle for any relationship to endure long-term.
• Financial Strain and Hardship: Imprisonment often plunges a family into economic crisis. The incarcerated partner usually can no longer earn income (prison jobs pay only cents per hour). The outside partner may suddenly be a single breadwinner, often facing financial insecurity or even housing instability (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). On top of losing income, there are new expenses: costly phone calls, gasoline or plane tickets for visits, care packages, and often legal fees. A prison ministry article notes that the spouse at home must bear not only lost wages but also “the breathtaking expense” of staying connected, which can run hundreds of dollars a month for calls and visits (Prison Fellowship, 2021). This financial stress adds yet another layer of strain. Money troubles can lead to arguments or simply exhaust the outside partner who is working extra jobs to make ends meet. It’s hard to feel romantic when you’re worried about keeping the lights on or paying for the next trip to see your loved one.
• Emotional Burnout and Stress: The emotional toll of a prison separation is immense. The partner on the outside often has to juggle everything alone – raising children as a single parent, managing the household, and supporting their incarcerated spouse emotionally, all while grappling with their own loneliness and worry. This can quickly lead to chronic stress and burnout. Prison wives have described living “day to day” under intense pressure, never able to truly relax because they must be both parents to the kids and also the sole support for their spouse (Prison Fellowship, 2021). Many suffer in silence because few people around them understand what they’re going through. Over time, the constant strain can cause depression, anxiety, or simply emotional exhaustion where the outside partner has “nothing left to give” the relationship. The incarcerated partner, for their part, is also under great emotional strain. Prison is a harsh world; to survive, many inmates become emotionally guarded or numb. Mental health problems are common behind bars, including depression and anger, which can change a person’s behavior toward their loved ones. Incarcerated individuals often feel intense guilt and helplessness about burdening their family. Some fall into despair and start to withdraw from the relationship as a form of “protection,” believing their spouse would be better off moving on. Others develop deep-seated trust issues – in the hyper-vigilant prison environment, they learn to trust no one, and this can manifest as suspicion or jealousy toward their partner (Medium, 2019). For example, if an outside partner misses a phone call due to work, an insecure incarcerated spouse might immediately fear the worst (e.g. “she must be with someone else”), especially if fellow inmates feed those fears. The constant emotional roller coaster can wear down even a devoted couple, creating rifts that are hard to repair from behind bars.
• Parole Setbacks and Uncertainty: Hope can be a double-edged sword in long prison sentences. Couples often pin their dreams on future milestones – a parole hearing, an appeal, or simply the calendar countdown to a release date. But the justice system is notoriously unpredictable. Parole can be denied unexpectedly, releases can be delayed, or new legal issues can prolong incarceration. Each time freedom slips further away, it delivers a heavy blow to both partners. The outside partner endures repeated waves of disappointment, essentially grieving the loss of a hoped-for reunion over and over. This cycle of raised and dashed hopes can breed despair and resentment. Psychologically, it’s exhausting to live on an uncertain timeline, never sure when normal life together can resume. One prison wife explained that the constant unknowns – never knowing if or when her husband would come home – were among the hardest aspects of all (Medium, 2019). Over years, perpetual uncertainty about the future can prevent a couple from moving forward with life plans and erode their bond. Some eventually give up, deciding they can’t put their life indefinitely on hold for a release that might be a decade away. In other cases, parole setbacks contribute to emotional burnout, making it harder to keep holding on.
• Social Isolation and Stigma: Loving someone in prison can be an incredibly isolating experience. Friends, and even family, may not support the relationship. In fact, outside partners often face harsh stigma – society may judge someone who stays with an incarcerated spouse as “foolish” or “naive,” rather than admirable for their loyalty (Medium, 2019). This public judgment can shame people into hiding their situation, further cutting them off from help. Even well-meaning loved ones might pressure the spouse to “move on” and discourage maintaining the relationship. As a result, many outside partners end up socially isolated, with few people to talk to who truly understand. In one account, a wife recalled how some friends stopped speaking to her after her husband went to prison, and even family members, while kind, “never quite understood the weight she was carrying” alone (Prison Fellowship, 2021). This lack of a support network makes everything harder. Without community support, the stress and loneliness only deepen, and minor relationship issues can feel overwhelming with no outside perspective. Meanwhile, the incarcerated partner is also isolated – cut off from everyday family life and unable to be present for important moments (birthdays, holidays, even funerals). They may feel like an outsider in their own family, which can spur feelings of inadequacy or jealousy. In sum, both people inhabit separate lonely worlds, which can eventually drift apart entirely. Humans aren’t meant to go through such trials alone, and when a couple is effectively isolated from the normal social fabric, the relationship can wither from that lack of outside nourishment.

These challenges illustrate why the cards are stacked against romantic relationships during incarceration. The situation creates a minefield of obstacles that even a very loving couple will struggle to navigate. It’s critical to recognize that when these relationships fail, it is usually not for lack of love, effort, or moral character – it is because the structural conditions make sustaining a healthy partnership extraordinarily difficult. As one prison advocate bluntly put it, “Prison is toxic. It’s unhealthy [for relationships]… Prison takes a loved one away. Most families dissolve and never get that back” (Medium, 2019).

Yet, despite all of this, some couples do survive the ordeal and stay together against the odds. What sets those surviving relationships apart? Next, we look at some of the patterns and practices that help a minority of prison relationships endure the structural pressures.

Beating the Odds: How Some Couples Stay Together

Even though most prison-separated relationships struggle, not all are doomed. There are inspiring examples of spouses and partners who remain devoted through long sentences and emerge with their bond intact. (For instance, one New Orleans couple, Fox and Rob Richardson, endured 21 years as an “incarcerated family” before finally reuniting and even co-authored a book about the experience (Newsweek, 2022).) Surviving such an extreme test of love requires tremendous resilience – but also strategy. Research and expert observations suggest that couples who make it have certain approaches in common. They effectively buffer themselves against the structural stresses by intentionally nurturing their connection and seeking support. Here are some key ways that couples can foster a lasting relationship, even with prison walls between them:

• Clear, Consistent Communication: It may sound obvious that “communication is key” in relationships, but for prison couples it truly can be a lifeline. The couples that survive tend to prioritize staying in contact and expressing themselves openly despite all the barriers. This means writing letters regularly, scheduling phone calls as often as budget allows, and being emotionally honest in those conversations. Because time together is scarce, survivors make the most of what communication they do have – sharing feelings, talking through problems, and saying “I love you” often. Importantly, successful couples learn to communicate supportively and handle conflict with patience. Research has found that good communication skills and frequent contact act as protective factors for couples during incarceration, leading to greater relationship satisfaction and stability (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). On the flip side, negative communication patterns like constant defensiveness, angry outbursts, or stonewalling can quickly erode a fragile long-distance relationship. Some prisons and nonprofits even offer letter-writing workshops or couple communication classes, recognizing that learning to communicate well under these constraints can make the difference between breaking up and staying together. Surviving couples often treat communication as sacred time – they prepare mentally for calls to ensure they are fully present, and they might keep a journal to remember things to share with their partner. By being consistent and transparent (even about hard emotions like fear or jealousy), they build a foundation of trust. Over time, this commitment to open communication helps both partners feel heard and valued, despite the distance. As one psychologist notes, expressing support and listening to each other can help counteract the stress and “keep them together during this volatile time” (Criminal Justice and Behavior, 2023). In short, talking regularly – and kindly – is one of the strongest lifelines for love behind bars.
• Shared Rituals and Creativity in Staying Connected: Couples who endure long separations often develop unique rituals to create a sense of togetherness. In the absence of day-to-day life together, these rituals provide stability and shared meaning. For example, some partners commit to saying goodnight “together” by looking up at the moon at the same time each night, as a way to feel connected under the same sky. Others might watch the same TV show or read the same book, then discuss it in letters or calls, turning it into a long-distance book club for two. Letter-writing itself can become a treasured ritual – for instance, a wife might write to her husband every Sunday without fail, and he knows to expect that personal mail each week. Some couples mark special occasions creatively: they “share” a meal on anniversaries by eating the same type of food (one at home, one in the prison cafeteria) and then talking on the phone about it. They celebrate each other’s birthdays with handmade cards, poems, or drawings sent through the mail. Many incarcerated individuals become quite creative in making gifts or keepsakes (such as craft items from available materials) to send to their loved ones, and receiving these tokens can be incredibly meaningful for the partner outside. These small rituals and traditions help maintain a sense of mutual involvement in each other’s lives. Psychologically, rituals provide a feeling of closeness and normalcy – a reminder that even though they are physically apart, the couple still operates as a unit sharing experiences in parallel. Surviving couples often say that consistency and creativity in staying connected kept their love alive. Even simple routines, like a standing weekly phone call or praying “with” each other at the same time each day, build a rhythm that reinforces the relationship’s stability amidst chaos. In essence, they create their own little world of connection that prison cannot wholly sever.
• Setting Healthy Boundaries and Expectations: Surprisingly, another hallmark of relationships that last is that the partners establish boundaries and realistic expectations to protect each other’s well-being. In a high-stress, guilt-ridden situation, it’s easy for boundaries to blur – the outside partner might feel they must devote every waking moment (and dollar) to the incarcerated partner, and the incarcerated person might be consumed by jealousy or anxiety about what their partner is doing on the outside. Successful couples work out agreements and understanding so that both individuals have some personal space and emotional safety valves. For example, the couple might agree on specific times for phone calls that fit the outside partner’s work and family schedule, rather than calling at all hours. They learn to respect each other’s time and obligations – the incarcerated partner practices patience if a call can’t happen because of a sick child or overtime at work, and the outside partner might set gentle limits on topics that cause excessive stress (say, agreeing to focus on supportive conversation when one of them is having a mental health crisis rather than adding guilt). Healthy boundaries can also mean that the outside partner takes needed time for self-care without guilt – spending a weekend with friends or pursuing a hobby, and the incarcerated partner supports this rather than resenting it. Both partners essentially give one another permission to live life as fully as possible under the circumstances, which prevents resentment from building up. Setting financial boundaries is also crucial; couples that survive often discuss and budget how much can realistically be spent on calls, commissary money, visits, etc., so that one person (usually the outside partner) doesn’t feel exploited or drained. This transparency avoids one partner feeling like they’re “doing all the work” or, conversely, like they’re a burden. Additionally, boundary-setting comes into play especially as the incarcerated partner nears release and reentry. Counselors emphasize that having clear agreements about roles, responsibilities, and expectations for when they reunite is healthy – for instance, what the newly released person will need to reintegrate and how the couple will adjust to living together again (Prison Fellowship, 2019). In sum, counterintuitive as it sounds, loving someone fiercely through a prison sentence also means maintaining your own emotional health and identity. Couples that endure tend to strike a balance between devotion to each other and personal boundaries that keep each individual stable and secure.
• Strong External Support Systems: No couple can survive this journey completely alone. Those who make it usually have built a support network around them – whether that’s supportive family members, friends, faith communities, counselors, or peer groups of others in similar situations. Outside support is vital to combat the isolation and stress. Some spouses of inmates find strength in local or online support groups for families of prisoners, where they can vent and get advice from people who understand. Others lean on faith-based groups or mentors; for example, two women who remained married through long prison terms in Florida credit their friendship with each other (forged on long drives to the prison) and their church community for giving them hope and practical help (Prison Fellowship, 2021). Simply having someone to babysit the kids so the wife can make a prison visit, or a friend to call on a hard day, can make a huge difference. Therapy or counseling is another key support – some couples participate in programs like marriage and family therapy for inmates and their partners, which have shown promise in improving communication and reducing resentment (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). The period after release is also critical; couples who’ve lasted that long often seek professional help or marriage retreats to navigate the rocky transition to normal life, rather than trying to go it alone. For the incarcerated individuals, support on the inside matters too – those who maintain close ties to family or positive mentors in prison (such as through letter-writing initiatives or clergy visits) tend to have more hope and motivation to keep their marriage/relationship strong. Advocacy organizations have been pushing for more family-friendly prison policies (like cheaper phone calls and extended visit programs) precisely because outside support and contact helps not only the relationship but also the incarcerated person’s rehabilitation (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). Surviving couples tap into every resource available. They aren’t afraid to ask for help and to surround themselves with people who believe in their relationship. This outside support acts like a life raft, keeping the couple afloat through the storms of incarceration.
• Maintaining Trust and Emotional Intimacy: Trust is the bedrock of any long-distance relationship, and it’s especially crucial when one partner is in prison. The couples who endure work hard to nurture mutual trust and a sense of emotional closeness, even when they cannot physically be together. This often involves a lot of reassurance and transparency. For example, the outside partner might regularly reassure the incarcerated partner of their loyalty and love, understanding that prison can breed insecurity. They might share the day-to-day details of their life in letters so the incarcerated person feels included rather than shut out. Likewise, the incarcerated partner might make a point to be emotionally vulnerable – expressing fears and hopes in writing – so their loved one can still know their inner life. Over time, these habits build a strong emotional intimacy based on knowing each other deeply, even in adversity. Surviving couples frequently talk about developing a mental or spiritual connection that transcends the physical separation. In interviews, some women who waited years for their husbands said they felt they grew closer through letters and conversations, because they “talked about everything and anything” and really got to know one another on a soulful level (Psychology Today, 2020). They turned the forced separation into an opportunity to communicate more profoundly than they might have in the hustle of normal life. Of course, keeping trust also means consciously resisting the negative influences that can sow doubt – for instance, some incarcerated people deliberately avoid prison gossip or cynical advice from other inmates about their wives, choosing instead to trust their partner’s word. Similarly, the outside partner has to trust their incarcerated spouse as well and not succumb to every rumor or fear. In essence, those who make it actively choose trust over doubt repeatedly. They remind themselves (and each other) why they are holding on. By cultivating this deep emotional bond and faith in each other, they create a foundation strong enough to withstand the external assaults on their relationship.

Conclusion: Love vs. the System

Long-distance prison relationships illuminate the incredible resilience of human love – and the crushing weight of structural barriers. The high failure rate of these relationships is not a story of fickle hearts or personal shortcomings; it’s a reflection of how punishing the prison system is not just on individuals, but on entire families and partnerships. When we see marriages and long-term relationships falling apart during incarceration, we are seeing the predictable outcome of isolation, poverty, and draconian restrictions that few bonds can endure indefinitely. As one advocate said, “Prison can break a marriage” (Prison Fellowship, 2021) – and all too often, it does.

Yet, it’s vital to acknowledge that some couples do survive, and from them we learn what can help. Enduring the separation requires extraordinary commitment and adaptation: unusually open communication, creative ways to share life at a distance, sensible boundaries to manage stress, and lots of external support. Under better circumstances, these are practices any healthy relationship would benefit from; under prison conditions, they become nothing short of lifelines. Surviving couples demonstrate that love can endure when both partners are willing to fight for it and when they aren’t left entirely alone in that fight.

Their stories also point to the changes needed on a structural level. If prisons made it easier for families to stay in contact – through affordable calls, more generous visitation, and programs that include spouses – more relationships could be saved. When those relationships do survive, it’s not just a personal victory; studies show it can help the incarcerated person successfully reenter society and avoid re-offending (Scholars Strategy Network, 2024). In other words, investing in relationships is investing in rehabilitation and public safety, too.

For anyone supporting a loved one in prison, the journey is undeniably hard. There will be days of doubt, anger, and heartache. Not every love will make it to the other side of a long sentence. But understanding that these hardships are structural can be freeing in its own way – it reminds couples that they aren’t “failing” at love; rather, they are doing battle with a system that few can conquer. Compassion (for oneself and one’s partner) is essential. And for those looking on from the outside, perhaps we can replace judgment with empathy. The couples who hold on through prison deserve respect; as one loyal wife said, “They are not fools like society thinks. They see the importance of supporting someone through this, just as you would through a serious illness” (Medium, 2019).

Ultimately, the fate of a prison relationship comes down to love plus support versus the isolating force of incarceration. When the support and determination are strong enough, some love stories do survive lock and key. And when they do fail, it’s usually not for lack of love – it’s because love alone was asked to carry burdens no relationship should have to bear.

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Sources:

• New York Times (2005). “Marriage programs try to instill bliss and stability behind bars.” (Statistic on 80% of marriages ending within a year of husband’s incarceration, and near 100% divorce rate for incarcerated women.)
• Prison Fellowship – Inside Journal (2017). “’Til Prison Do Us Part? How to Maintain a Marriage During Incarceration.” (Noted high divorce rates and tips for maintaining marriage during prison.)
• Journal of Marriage and Family (2015). Turney, K., “Hopelessly Devoted? Relationship Quality During and After Incarceration.” (Research showing incarceration increases risk of breakup and lowers relationship quality among those who stay together.)
• Prison Fellowship (2021). “Forged in Fire: How Two Prisoners’ Wives Found Strength Together.” (Article sharing Elsy and Leyda’s stories; noted each year of incarceration raises divorce risk ~30%, and described challenges like stigma, financial hardship, loneliness for spouses.)
• Scholars Strategy Network (2024). Katherine A. Durante & Eman Tadros, “Improving Communication among Couples Experiencing Incarceration: Clinical and Policy Considerations.” (Policy brief summarizing research that physical separation and costly communication cause emotional withdrawal, and highlighting that supportive communication and relationship programs can help couples and reduce recidivism.)
• Prison Policy Initiative (2022). Leah Wang, “Both Sides of the Bars: How mass incarceration punishes families.”(Report noting two-thirds of people in state prison are held over 100 miles from home, limiting visits; discusses difficulties of communication and the toll on families.)
• Prison Policy Initiative (2018). Peter Wagner, “State of Phone Justice.” (Data showing a 15-minute call from jail cost an average of $5.74 in 2018; high cost of phone calls for incarcerated people’s families.)
• Scalawag Magazine (2022). Higginbotham & Rosenfeld, “This couple wants you to know that conjugal visits are only legal in 4 states.” (Explains rarity of conjugal visits and how intimacy is policed; only CA, NY, CT, WA allow any form of conjugal visits as of 2022, and even then under strict rules.)
• Medium (2019). Sherri Maier-Gordon, “Maintaining A Relationship From Prison.” (Prison advocate’s perspective on challenges such as societal judgment, prisoner’s loss of trust, prisoners pushing loved ones away out of guilt, and the commitment of those who stay.)
• Psychology Today (2020). Robert T. Muller, “Convicted Men and the Women Who Love Them.” (Discusses the dynamics of women in relationships with incarcerated men; notes that deep communication can make these relationships feel strong, and addresses stigma and psychological aspects.)
• Newsweek (2022). Kaitlin Clark, “I Remarried My Husband After He Spent 20 Years in Prison.” (Profile of Fox and Rob Richardson, a couple who stayed together through a 21-year incarceration, illustrating a real-life example of a surviving prison relationship.)