Strong relationships hinge on communication. Based on psychology and relationship research (like the famous 36 “closeness” questions by Aron et al.), here are ten thought-provoking, supportive questions to ask each other. Each one is designed to spark intimacy and trust even across the bars:

1. “What do you remember about us when we first met?”
   Why it helps: Focusing on shared history reinforces why you fell in love. Research on positive reminiscing shows it boosts satisfaction in couples. Hearing your partner recall good times can reignite connection.
2. “What three qualities of mine do you most appreciate?”
   Why it helps: Compliments build affirmation. According to self-expansion theory, genuinely appreciating partner traits makes both people feel valued, countering insecurities that distance can cause.
3. “What’s something you’re proud of that I may not know?”
   Why it helps: Encouraging your partner to share their strengths (maybe skills or character traits) fosters admiration and empathy. It helps each person see the other’s full identity, an important step in attachment.
4. “What’s a challenge you’re facing, and how can I support you?”
   Why it helps: Open communication about struggles shows vulnerability in a safe way. Studies on “active constructive responding” say when one partner asks how to help and listens intently, both feel more supported and less alone.
5. “What are your hopes for me and for us in the next year?”
   Why it helps: Future-oriented talk increases motivation and shared goals. Research shows couples aligned in their aspirations feel more like a team. This question also invites planning (even if uncertain) and hope.
6. “What’s one small comfort I could send or do for you right now?”
   Why it helps: Concrete acts of care – suggested by the partner – show attentiveness. Knowing exactly what makes your loved one feel better (extra pillows, a favorite snack, a specific photo) demonstrates that you listen to their needs.
7. “Which family or friend who isn’t here would you most like to talk to?”
   Why it helps: This acknowledges their wider support network and allows them to share stories you might not have heard. Social neuroscience indicates that feeling connected to more loved ones reduces stress – so facilitating that connection is an act of love.
8. “What’s a book, movie, or song that made you think of me?”
   Why it helps: Sharing cultural touchstones bridges distance. This question can prompt them to explain why it reminded them of you, revealing insights into how they see the relationship.
9. “Is there something you miss doing together that we could find a way to do?”
   Why it helps: Even simple rituals (like cooking a meal over video call, or working on a puzzle together piece by piece) can recreate closeness. The question shows you value shared experiences and are creative about keeping intimacy.
10. “How have you grown or changed since we started this journey?”
    Why it helps: Acknowledging personal growth during hardship is validating. Couples who recognize each other’s progress feel more proud and connected. It also opens a discussion about lessons learned, maintaining respect and hope for continued growth.

Each question is meant to deepen understanding and empathy, not just be a routine interview. Ideally, take turns – one person asks, the other answers, then switch. Listen actively, offer your own answers in return, and avoid judgment. This approach is supported by studies on “dyadic coping,” which show that when partners share and problem-solve together, satisfaction and trust go up.

For extra support, Chapters & Chains provides a “Conversation Starter” PDF (below) with these questions and tips on timing. Try to use one or two questions per call or letter. Over weeks, these evidence-based prompts can transform your chats from mundane check-ins into meaningful exchanges that strengthen your bond.