Loving someone who is incarcerated comes with challenges beyond the prison walls. One of the hardest to navigate is the stigma from friends, family, and society. Whether it’s judgmental looks, unsolicited advice, or outright disapproval, the weight of others’ opinions can be exhausting.
People who have never experienced the criminal justice system often don’t understand the complexities of incarceration—or the love, loyalty, and resilience it takes to stand by someone on the inside. But their misunderstanding does not define you, your loved one, or your relationship.
Here’s how to handle judgment, set boundaries, and find a support system that uplifts you instead of tearing you down.
Understanding the Roots of Judgment
Before reacting to hurtful comments, it helps to recognize why people may judge or criticize your relationship:
- They believe stereotypes.
Many people only know what they see in movies or the news. They assume all incarcerated individuals are violent criminals, ignoring the injustices of the legal system, wrongful convictions, and excessive sentencing. - They don’t understand loyalty beyond circumstance.
Some people think love and support should be conditional, disappearing when hardship arises. They don’t realize that relationships—romantic, familial, or friendships—can remain strong despite incarceration. - They worry about you.
Some family members may believe they’re “protecting” you by discouraging your relationship. While their concern may come from love, it can feel dismissive and hurtful. - They assume incarceration = hopelessness.
Many assume that an incarcerated person will never change, grow, or contribute positively to society. This ignores the fact that people can and do rehabilitate, learn, and thrive post-incarceration.
Understanding these biases helps you approach conversations from a place of knowledge rather than anger.
How to Respond to Judgmental Comments
Not everyone deserves a response, but if you choose to engage, here are a few approaches:
1. Educate Without Arguing
- If someone says, “Why are you wasting your time?”, you can respond:
“Not everyone in prison is a lost cause. Many people serve unjust sentences or work hard to change. I see the person, not just the system’s label.” - If someone says, “He/She/They must be guilty if they’re in prison,” you can reply:
“Actually, the system isn’t always fair. Many people serve extreme sentences for minor offenses, and wrongful convictions happen more than you think.”
📚 Resource: The Innocence Project (www.innocenceproject.org) works to free the wrongly convicted and provides data on wrongful imprisonment.
2. Set Firm Boundaries
If someone continuously criticizes your relationship despite your efforts to explain, you don’t have to justify yourself.
Try saying:
- “I respect your opinion, but this is my choice, and I need you to respect that.”
- “If you can’t be supportive, let’s not discuss this topic.”
- “I don’t need approval to love and support someone I care about.”
Setting boundaries protects your mental well-being and reinforces that your choices are yours to make.
3. Find Support From People Who Understand
One of the most powerful ways to combat judgment is to surround yourself with people who truly get it.
Join Online Communities Like ‘Love Within Walls’
Love Within Walls is a Facebook group dedicated to supporting partners of incarcerated individuals. In this space, you’ll find people who understand your experiences, share advice, and offer encouragement without judgment.
💙 Why It Helps:
✔ You can ask for advice from people who have faced similar situations.
✔ You’ll find encouragement instead of criticism.
✔ It reminds you that you are not alone in this journey.
📢 Join ‘Love Within Walls’ on Facebook today to connect with a supportive community.
4. Shift the Focus to Your Growth & Well-Being
Judgment can take a toll on your mental health. Instead of dwelling on negative opinions, redirect your energy toward your own growth and resilience.
- Practice self-care. Whether it’s journaling, exercise, or quiet time, make space for yourself.
- Educate yourself about prison reform. Understanding the flaws in the system can empower you in conversations.
- Stay confident in your decisions. Your relationship and commitment are yours to define.
Letting Go of the Need for Approval
At the end of the day, you do not need permission to love and support your incarcerated loved one.
Not everyone will understand, and that’s okay. Their judgment does not define your worth, your relationship, or your strength.
Final Thought:
The world will always have opinions, but your life is yours to live. Surround yourself with support, stand firm in your truth, and never let judgment silence your love.
📢 How have you dealt with judgment from friends or family? Share your experiences in the comments below!
🔗 Need more support? Subscribe to Chapters and Chains for more resources on navigating life with an incarcerated loved one.
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