There are seasons in every prison relationship where conversation feels heavy. The day-to-day updates start to sound the same. Calls run short. Letters get delayed. And even though the love is still there, it can start to feel like all you’re doing is waiting.

That’s where lists come in.

It might seem simple, but writing a list together—a shared bucket list, a list of books to read, a list of silly challenges or future plans—can become a lifeline. Not just a distraction, but a way to build something together. A reason to talk about what’s next, what’s possible, and what still matters.

Because when so much of life is focused on surviving the present, a shared list helps you imagine the future.

Why Lists Work in Prison Relationships

A list is more than paper and ink. It’s a structure for dreaming. It’s a reminder that your relationship is not on hold. You’re still building something—even if the walls make it hard to see.

When your loved one is incarcerated, the ability to create shared experiences is limited. But the ability to create shared intention is not. Whether you’re writing about books to read together, meals to cook when they come home, or things you want to learn as a couple, every item you add is a quiet act of defiance. It’s a way of saying, “We still have something to look forward to.”

Ideas for Shared Bucket Lists

You don’t need to call it a bucket list. You can call it “Our Someday List,” or “Things We’ll Do Together.” The name doesn’t matter. What matters is what you put inside.

Here are a few list ideas to start with:

1. Books to Read Together

Create a list of titles you both want to read—now or later. Some can be books you’ll both read separately and write letters about. Others can be saved for when you’re reunited.

Examples:

• A book from their favorite author
• A memoir about resilience or change
• A book you loved as a child that they never got to read
• A novel you want to read aloud together one day

Include space to write: Why this book? What do we want to talk about after we read it?

2. Our Someday Adventures

This is your future travel list. Realistic or wild, serious or funny.

Examples:

• Visit the beach together
• Go to a baseball game
• Sit on the porch and watch the sunset
• Ride bikes through a neighborhood
• Order our favorite takeout and eat it in bed
• Go to the grocery store and pick out snacks together

These items might seem small, but that’s the point. These are the kinds of shared experiences prison takes away—and the kinds of things worth reclaiming.

3. Mini-Challenges for Now

Create a list of challenges to try from both sides of the gate. Use it to build a sense of play, encouragement, and accountability.

Examples:

• Write a letter every day for a week
• Memorize a poem together
• Learn a new word and use it in a letter
• Send each other three compliments
• Read the same chapter of a book and respond
• Keep a “one good thing” journal for seven days

These small efforts create routine and connection. They also give you something to talk about when life feels repetitive.

4. Things We’re Proud Of

Make a running list of the personal wins you’ve each had. It can be individual or shared, but it becomes your record of growth.

Examples:

• “You passed that course even when things were tough”
• “I spoke up for you and didn’t let fear stop me”
• “We didn’t give up when it got quiet between us”
• “We made it to one year”

This list becomes a testament to your resilience.

5. Little Pleasures We Miss and Plan to Reclaim

These are the things prison often steals—the small, quiet moments that feel like nothing until they’re gone.

Examples:

• Holding hands without a clock ticking
• Listening to music together in the same room
• Grocery shopping and laughing at each other’s snack picks
• Watching a thunderstorm
• Making coffee in the morning while talking about nothing

These aren’t just moments. They’re the foundation of real life. Naming them helps you both remember that love lives in ordinary spaces.

How to Exchange Lists by Letter

Start by writing your own version. Send it with a note:

“I’ve been thinking about what we still want to do together. I made a list. Will you add to it or write one of your own?”

Encourage your loved one to keep the list somewhere safe. They can add ideas, reflect on past items, or even create a version of their own. You might agree to review your lists together once a month and talk about one item at a time in your letters or calls.

If your loved one has access to art supplies or stationery, they might even decorate the list. Some couples turn these into keepsake projects—a collage of goals and dreams, tucked into a book or taped to the wall.

Making It a Ritual

Each month, revisit your lists. Add one thing. Cross off one thing. Talk about why one item still matters and another one doesn’t. As your relationship grows, your list grows too.

You might even pair it with a copy of the Couples Communication Guidebook, which includes space for shared goal setting, reflective writing, and intention-building exercises designed specifically for couples navigating incarceration.

That guidebook becomes more than a workbook. It becomes a place to hold what you’re working toward, together.

Find it here:
Couples Communication Guidebook on Etsy

Final Thought

Hope doesn’t always arrive in grand gestures. Sometimes it shows up in a list. A sentence. A shared dream scrawled in pencil on the back of a letter.

These lists will not bring your loved one home faster. But they can make the waiting softer. They can shift your relationship from surviving to building. And when the time comes—when the gate opens and you’re standing side by side—you’ll already have a plan for what to do next.

Not just the big things. The quiet ones, too.

And that kind of future? That’s worth writing down.